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Man, it’s hot as hell out there.  Why you thought eating that giant bowl of pho was a good idea is beyond anyone’s guess.  You need something that’s powerful, fast-acting and cools on contact. There’s no better solution for thermoregulation than an ice-cold beer.  Those who say “water” are liars. Liars!

Want something with more tooth than Coors Light?  Beer cocktails, my wilted friend who’s moist to the touch. Beer and liquor have come a long way. Think Irish Car Bombs.  Beer is joining the craft cocktail movement, getting dressed up with bourbon, whiskey and even bacon. When it’s hotter than Satan’s armpit out there, find solace in these “ale-laborate” concoctions:

Virtue Grain & Feed has five “hoptails” including my new favorite, Smooth as Velvet ($8.50).  A Guinness reduction, currant soda, Irish whiskey and sparkling wine is the deepest of amber and sweet as molasses.

Also from Virtue is What I Drink ($8.50) with Amstel Light, lemon soda and dark rum.  Served on lemon ice cubes for maximum cooling power.  106 S. Union Street, Alexandria, VA. 571.970.3669.

Here to battle high heat indexes is Urbana’s Raspberry Shandy ($10), made with lemonade and Abita Purple Haze.  It comes in a whole pitcher.  Believe me, today you’ll need it.  Order a signature pizza from 2-5 pm and get a pitcher for free.  2121 P Street NW, Washington DC. 202.956.6650.

Why eat when you can drink your way back to homeostasis with El Centro DF’s Michelada Tocino ($8), a hearty blend of Modelo Especial, Worcestershire sauce, lime, chipotle salt and bacon.  1819 14th Street NW, Washington DC. 202.328.3131.

Tastier than a cold shower, Firefly is takin’ it back to the old school with Bathtub Gin ($12.50), made with Heavy Seas Golden Ale, Aviation gin, a juniper-infused simple syrup and fresh lemon juice, served in a snifter and garnished with a lemon twist.  1310 New Hampshire Avenue NW, Washington, DC. 202.861.1310.

Café Saint Ex has four beer cocktails, including the sweet Bees in a Beer ($9)—Lagunitas IPA is spiked with Wild Turkey American Honey bourbon and garnished with a honeycomb.  Also from Saint Ex is the deliciously exotic Black Knight ($9), blending Belhaven Scottish Ale with artichoke liquor, grapefruit juice and tonic.  It tastes way better than it sounds.  1847 14th Street NW, Washington, DC. 202.265.7839.

Now let’s talk about your hair…

Feature photo courtesy of El Centro D.F.