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Have you resolved to stop eating like an asshole? Well, good news! I’m here to help.

It’s not hard. You know what is hard? Complication. Complicated shit is hard. It’s our very human nature to take something perfectly easy and then pee all over it, so I am writing this column of tips and tricks to help us all get the fuck out our own ways, live healthfully and well, and with minimal complications, because my God, the world is usually on fire as it is, we don’t need to immolate ourselves along with it.

It’s no secret that nearly all of our healthcare problems could be ameliorated by feeding ourselves well, moving often, and getting quality sleep. You’re probably rolling your eyes at me right now, but hear this: it is not with some Pollyanna idealism that I say this here. It is to be clear about the imperative: our day-to-day habits accrue, and are the foundation of our health and well-being.

Change one habitual proclivity and many others fall into place along with it. We can perceive laziness as an unwillingness to be proactive, or we can perceive laziness as a luxury to be reaped as the benefit of our preparedness–by being just a little bit proactive, we can provide our future selves the luxury of doing less. Three hiphips to doing less! And moreover, making fewer decisions! SO. What to do?

Make a commitment to yourself

Compliance and consistency is the key to attaining any goal, and changing your habits is how you change your life. Crash-and-burn diets and fad parlor tricks aren’t going to fix your bad habits.

Don’t complicate it

Cooking isn’t complicated. Break it down: animals, vegetables, fruits, fats; salt and pepper. I’ll talk technique in a later post, but familiarize yourself with what food actually is.

Prepare your space for success

If your environment is in disarray, read: full of bullshit, read: devoid of nutrition, you will fail, miserably. How to solve that: go shopping (or get an InstantCart delivery! Or subscribe to a wonderful service like Washington’s Green Grocer)! Buy whole foods — animals, vegetables, fruits, and good fats (avocados, coconut and coconut oil, olive oil, butter, pure animal lard or tallow, raw nuts & seeds), and, buy whole foods that are already prepared for you: plain yogurt, plain cottage cheese, tuna packed in olive oil, salad greens in a box. Have lemons, always, and a variety of good quality vinegars.

Boil an egg

You know what will save your ass in a pinch? A perfectly boiled egg. If there is anything that we have overly complicated in the culinary world, it is a boiled fucking egg. Don’t dare Google “how to boil an egg,” it will send you straight into the 7th Circle of Hell. Do this, instead:

Bring a medium pot of cold water to a boil. Using a spoon, gently drop 5-6 cold, large eggs into boiling water, then immediately set a timer for: 5 minutes for soft-boiled; 7 minutes for medium-boiled (the elusive, velvety-yolk egg); 9 minutes for hard-boiled (perfectly set, and not blue). Leave the goddamn pot alone! When the timer buzzes, take the pot off the heat, drain the water and then rinse the eggs in cold water a few times, and drain again.

To peel an egg: smash the bottom of the egg (the less conical side) where a little air pocket resides; peel enough of the shell back along with the membrane, and slip a teaspoon between the shell/membrane and the white. Gently move the spoon around the whole egg, and pop the shell off it. Season with sea salt and cracked pepper, and partake in your velvety, yolky moment. Whatever you don’t consume right away, put in the fridge for your very happy future self to enjoy, in a pinch.

Make the desk lunch of lazy-ass champions

1 box of greens (5 oz), 1 whole jar of Tonnino tuna packed in olive oil dumped into the box (oil and all), then throw some fermented or pickled vegetables and a splash of vinegar on top, because delicious. Ta-da! Smash the rest of your day. You’re welcome. Til next post, follow @opendoordining for more tidbits of #lazychampions.

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