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While I do love cupcakes (store-bought Funfetti is an easy way to my heart), they dominate the dessert universe. Even mini ones from that bakery in New York City keep popping up everywhere.Cookies are much classier than their attention-whorish cousins. I discovered my everlasting love for them in high school, where freshly-baked Otis Spunkmeyer cookies were sold every Tuesday between periods. This invoked chaos in the hallways similar to that scene in Mean Girls.  If DC is high school and cookies are the senior class, here are the ones most likely to succeed:

Best Personality

Ted’s Bulletin is already bursting at the seams with character, and their baked goods only add more flair. What’s so great about their Big Chocolate Chip Cookie ($1.99) is that the chocolate is striated throughout, creating a soft and densely-packed sweet treat guaranteed to win Homecoming King (the peanut butter and bacon Pop Tart wins Homecoming Queen). 505 8th Street NW, Washington, DC.

Most Creative

A.k.a. most hipster, Toki Underground’s tasty enigmas are baked to order, like the Kimchi-Spiced Snickerdoodle ($7). It’s ironically served with a glass of whole milk, since soy and almond milk have become too mainstream. 1234 H Street NE, Washington, DC.

Most Likely to Become Famous

You haven’t lived until you’ve tried Blind Dog Cafe’s Chocolate Chunk masterpieces ($2, pictured), which have just the right amount of necessary saltiness. I would still eat this lightly-crispy but heavily-gooey cookie off of the floor, which deserves its very own James Beard award and a spot on the Top Chef judges’ table. 944 Florida Avenue NW, Washington, DC.

Class Clown

The incredible Cookie Bar ($4) at Larry’s Ice Cream must be a joke, since you’ll laugh nervously at its daunting size. But once you bite into the rich fudge, coconut, pecans, and caramel topped with a chocolate chip cookie layer, the sugar high that follows will have you acting like Pee Wee Herman (just try not to get arrested). 1633 Connecticut Avenue NW, Washington, DC.

Biggest Jock

Eating a cookie that’s the size of your face is a great workout, since all of that chewing burns calories. Firehook Bakery’s Chocolate Chip ($1.70) is large and in charge, and you don’t have to be the head cheerleader to indulge (and really, those bitches don’t eat anyway). Multiple locations.

Best Dressed

Fancy Georgetown chocolate shop J. Chocolatier leaves the flour out of their cookies and makes sure you won’t miss it. The Double-Chocolate ($2.50) has a perfectly fudgy texture, wears a sparkly coat of sugar crystals, and will give you fashion advice on what to buy in the nearby clothing boutiques. 1039 33rd Street NW, Washington, DC.

Most Likely to Become President

A favorite restaurant of our actual POTUS, Art and Soul’s power lunch menu ($25) includes a warm and fluffy Chocolate Chip Pecan cookie that’s uniting hungry Congressmen over the impending fiscal cliff. Bipartisanship never tasted so good! 415 New Jersey Avenue NW, Washington, DC.

Most Likely to Cure a Disease

If it’s possible for a vegan Chocolate Chip cookie ($1.99) to melt in your mouth, the genius behind them must be Walter White in the lab kitchen. Instead of evil, Sticky Fingers uses its intelligence for good and should look into epidemiology. 1370 Park Road NW, Washington, DC.

Biggest Flirt

Why just order coffee at Peregrine Espresso when the baked goods behind the glass keep winking at you? The Peanut Butter cookie ($1.25) is especially coquettish and slightly under-baked by Buzz Bakery, resulting in maximum chewiness. Multiple locations in DC and VA.

Party Animal

You can’t leave Cork Market without having your cookie and eating it, too. Probably drunk off the wine, the Lemon Ricotta ($0.75) is waiting for invites to your next dinner party (it promises not to embarrass you). 1805 14th Street NW, Washington, DC.

Please note that this list does not include anything with raisins or fortune cookies, though I might just be bitter since my last “fortune” said I’d be invited to a karaoke party. There had better be cookies at that party.